Category Archives: Dating

Oct10

My Blockbuster Thinks I’m Gay

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My Blockbuster Thinks I’m Gay

Title: My Blockbuster Thinks I’m Gay
Alternate Title: Anecdotes Not To Share On A First Date

So a couple weekends ago, I went to Blockbuster to rent a load of movies.  Given that it was a Saturday afternoon, the place was jam-packed with bodies.  Big bodies, little bodies, wide bodies, skinny bodies.  And me, a pretty average body.  After weaving with great futility through the mad crush in New Releases, I was struck by inspiration.  Why not peruse the returns box?  I hussled over to that dark corner of the store thinking, “How smart.  If they were returned, then someone must’ve thought they were worth renting.”  I’m smirking with self-satisfaction.  I’m beguiling in my brilliance.

I take my time sorting through the returns.  I have zero pop-culture training, so I opt to pick the videos with the romantic comedy kind of cover.  I want something cute.  Uplifting.  Mindless.  And if I don’t like the movie, that’s alright.  Four bucks and two hours of my life.

I get into the line.  Wait another 15 minutes to get to checkout.  Flip through a magazine.  Fork over my cash and head home.  I set the DVDs on top of my TV and set about cleaning the apartment.  Make myself a nice dinner, pour myself a glass of wine, and take my food into the den to catch a flick.  Only then do I flip the DVD case over and read the movie synopsis on the back.

Mambo Italiano – 50 years ago, Gino and Maria came to Canada, and never quite recovered.  They thought the surprises were over, but that was before their son Angelo broke the news…he wants to quit his stable job as a travel agent to become a TV writer, and he’s in love with his best friend.  A police officer named Nino.

Connie and Carla – A mob mix-up in Chicago sends two chanteuses screaming for L.A., where they score a perfect gig: posing as drag queens on the dinner theater/cabaret circuit. Things get extra-weird when a guy falls for one of the girls.

April’s Shower – April’s Shower is a comedy about love, romance and expectation…We open on the main character Alex, a chef, put out by her effort for the shower and struggling with her desire to make things “picture-perfect.” She is really hiding her true emotional motivation behind a mask. As April, the bride-to-be arrives, Alex’s mask begins to slip away. It slowly becomes obvious that Alex, the disgruntled maid-of-honor, carries a secret that effects not just the course of her life, but that of almost everyone at the shower.

And the fourth movie, JetLag, a French flick with Jean Reno and Juliette Binoche.  Out of the four movies I cherry picked out of the returns box, three of them had a gay bent.  Match that up with the fact that my last rental from Blockbuster was Brokeback Mountain, and I’m guessing that the cashier that kept flirting with me will cease his activity.

Oct3

Match.com: Introductory Case Studies

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Match.com: Introductory Case Studies

If anything, Match.com is a therapeutic ego booster.  Random anonymous people showering you with winks and emails.  As I like to boil everything down to an easy-to-analyze model, I submit for your consideration these three variations on a wink.

Overview: The following scenarios consist of two parties, MatchA and MatchB.  Trigger issued via “wink” by MatchA.  MatchB is recipient of said wink.

Scenario 1: MatchA winks at MatchB.  MatchB winks back.
Analysis: MatchB’s interest is piqued, however MatchB opted to return a wink as opposed to writing an email.  As a wink requires significantly less time and commitment, it has less value than an email.  However, MatchB could also be desperately interested, but stuck at work, and thus unable to reply email.  Additionally, MatchB could be female, and adopting the “coy” strategy.  Another observation proferred by an astute girlfriend, “Two winks is a blink.”

Scenario 2: MatchA winks at MatchB.  MatchB emails.
Analysis: MatchB is certainly interested in a little virtual foreplay, and email provides a clean platform for various mating ritual exchanges.  Likely, the email opens with a friendly, harmless greeting, followed by an amusing anecdote to best display a sense of humor, and is followed by a paragraph of questions about MatchA.  “Where do you work?”  “What do you do for fun?”  “What’s up for this weekend?”  It would not surprise this analyst if MatchB has a template of third paragraph questions in his/her aresenal, nor would it be surprising if MatchA had a pre-written response template.

Scenario 3: MatchA winks at MatchB.  MatchB hits “delete.”
Analysis: MatchB has in mind certain criteria, and sets a bare minimum limit.  Going forward, we will refer to this bare minimum limit as a “desperation floor.”  If MatchA has no picture, MatchB hits delete.  If MatchA follows wink up with an insta-email, subsequently followed by three or more emails along the lines of “When are you going to respond?”, MatchB not only hits delete, but also sends “Not Interested” response, conveniently supplied by Match.com.  With a simple click on a radio-button, MatchA is informed that he/she is no longer in consideration for vacancy.

As I am prone to process, I can personally assure you that I have tested each of these scenarios and am engaged in second-stage activities with subjects from Scenario 1 and 2.

Subject from Scenario 1 has a dog (10 points), lives on his own (10 points), has remodeling projects underway (15 points), has volunteered at Asian refugee points (20 points), and has served as a fireman (80,000 points.)

Subject from Scenario 2 is silly (10 points), polite (10 points), a little hyper (-5 points), picks and stomps grapes at his cousin’s vineyard in Michigan (80,000 points for vineyard, 5,000 point deduction for Midwest vineyard).

Updates to follow.

Jun17

Dating

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Dating

A couple months ago, I was convinced to put my profile up on Match.com. Oh my God, I cannot tell you how horrible it felt to have all these random 40 or 50 year old men who emailed or winked at me, or who said they’d send me their photo if I wanted to know what they looked like (clearly a ploy…I bet they were 13 year old kids trying to get a woody, I mean geez.) There were other men that had a portfolio of photos showing every angle of their body, with testimonials from friends and mothers. I couldn’t stand it, I took my profile down within 48 hours of it going up and haven’t regretted it since! :)

***

Although when I got home today, there was a note magnetized to my fridge. It said, “Girlfriend, I love you!” signed boyfriend. I’m hoping it was Dave as opposed to my doorman. However, it was the first time I saw those words written out by hand. In script. With a pen. And for a writer, seeing that effort taken, seeing those words written with a pen on paper, has such a deep impact. When you look at someone’s script, you see emotion. You see thought. You see effort. These are nuances you wouldn’t see in an email. While an email may convey sentiment, it in no way conveys the real depth of what you feel. It doesn’t carry the curliques in the “Y.” It doesn’t surprise you with the rawness of risk. It takes me from an adult to a girl.